Not being a great debater myself, I have learnt not to judge people’s intelligence and competence by how they perform in public debates.
From the days of our secondary school, we have come to know that the stars of the literary and debating society do not always (in fact, hardly ever) make the best results at both class and external exams.
I have seen very intelligent people, with all the relevant facts and figures, fail woefully on delivery at debates. I have also seen people who are masters at delivery, convincingly deliver nonsense, and get all the plaudits.
It is only when you try to pick substance from their eloquent delivery that you realize you just listened to sweet-sounding nonsense. That is the kind of lemon that supporters of the Lagos State APC governorship candidate, Jide Sanwolu, claim a certain Gbadomosi sold them a few days ago.
So, President Muhammadu Buhari’s not being a great debater should not make us mock him. He could know the facts, but not know how to sell it.
However, I suspect PMB might not try another debate any time soon, irrespective of pressure from both the Nigerian elections debate group and the press. I perfectly understand. And I stand with Buhari on this. Moreover, as the good General he is, he knows he should not go into a war he is clearly going to lose.
I only have one complaint to make about PMB’s public speaking outings: Mr. President, get yourself a hearing aid”. And wear it with pride. It is no worse than those of us who wear medicated glasses (sight aid). It does not make you a handicap or an invalid.
Every time I see Gov. Al-Makura of Nasarawa State wearing his own hearing aid, I mistake for a mobile phone hands-free. He doesn’t need to ask the person sitting beside him to repeat what the person sitting right in front of both of them has just said. For that one is even more embarrassing.
When Buhari did that during his visit to the US, some of us “haters” concluded that the person sitting between him and Donald Trump was interpreting whatever Trump was saying into Hausa, to enable our president understand and respond properly. Can you imagine!
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At 70-something going on 80, there’s no amount of soldierly stubbornness that can stop our organs from ageing with the rest of our body. The eyes, the ears, the heart all inevitably begin to fail. Even the brain, the arms, the legs (including the third leg) soon begin to lose their vigour. Some would even die before us. And no amount of steroid injections or aphrodisiacs can help out.
So, Mr. President, get a hearing aid and stop over stressing one good ear – or both.
However, since I know the president would not be indulging us with another debate soon, I have decided to interview myself on behalf of the president, to provide answers to few of the nagging questions of this presidential campaign.
Don’t take it too seriously o! It’s just ME, a journalist, interviewing MYSELF, an impersonator president. Of course, all characters in this chat are imaginary products of my malaria-jaundiced brain.
But, jokes apart, until recently, I too was actually a Vice President – the Vice President of Crest Media. So, here we go…
Question: Mr. President, why do you think that you deserve re-election?
Answer: Because I am the candidate of my party. My party nominated me. Only me I did not buy form. My party, by the benevolence of the Almighty, nominated to be their governorship candidate of the country and I…
(VP cuts in): Mr. President, your running for President, not governorship.
I can’t even remember which one I’m running for. But whatever it is. Whether senatorship or whatever. They said I should run and I am running. And it is unopposed.
Question: What’s your take on the allegation that your anti-corruption war is selective?
Answer: I did not take anything.
Question: Sir, I mean the selective anti-graft war?
Answer: I did not select anything. It was Yahaya Bello that bought the form. Ask el-Rufai. Anyway, I will ask IGP to investigate. (Turning to Prof. Osinbajo)…VP, call Idris for me.
VP : Sir, Idris has retired.
Answer: Has he? When? Is he not supposed to be in Benue?
VP: Benue was a long time ago. Idris retired last week. You reired him. He even came here for the formal handover.
Answer: I did not know fa! Walai, I cannot remember. I will ask the CCB and ICPC to investigate. Where is that Obla-Obono boy? Well, Mr. journalist, continue.
Question: Let’s focus on power…
Answer: (cuts in, alarmed) Who wants to take over power?
Question: No sir. I mean electricity.
Answer: Okay. Kai! That one is NEPA. PDP stole all the money. $16 billion fa! We will catch all of them and collect all the money. EFCC will catch all the PDP people. All of them are thieves. They will go to jail. All the former governors.
Question: Sir, some of them have crossed to APC.
Answer: (Turning to VP)… What did he say?
VP: He said many of those who stole the money we’re looking for are now in our party and that we might be going after our own people, and that…
Answer: Oya just kuma continue and answer the whole question ga ba daya… Next question!
Question: Sir we heard that the money stolen by Abacha, which was returned has been relooted and…
Answer: (Cuts in) Abacha did not steal money. It was PDP…
Question: (cuts in)… But Switzerland brought back money
Answer: We got money from everywhere, America and Western Germany. Even me I brought money from China. That money is for railway and Boko Haram. And security. And we will build road to Niger Republic and Zinder. And World Bank too in the North East. I know that place very well. I was governor there. And Petroeuml Minister. And PTF. And I did not steal money. We will fight corruption. All of them will go to jail. And we will collect all the money back. They stole all the money. PDP. For 16 years.
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Questions: Talking of corruption and stolen money, what’s your position on the viral video allegedly involving Gov. Ganduje of Kano State.
Answer: Ahaa! Kano? Kano, Kano! Kano is for Buhari. They will vote for me. Five million votes. Atiku will not get one vote. Okay, we will give him some votes. But very small. Because of Kwankwaso.
Question: do you mean you’ll allocate the votes?
Answer: We will give him, he will get what’s difference? You press people like too much wahala.
Question: How about the video?
Answer: Video? I don’t like film. Only Polo kawai!
Question: But he was seen putting dollars in his babanriga?
Answer: I did not see it. (Turning to VP again)… VP, did you see it?
VP: Yes, sir. But we still can’t confirm if it is real or someone was just manipulating technology…
Answer: Technology again! Haba! I don’t understand technology. But we’re still investigating. EFCC and IG will probe all of them.
Question: On the economy…
Answer : (cuts in) Economy is good. PDP took all the money. We will get it back. And there’s rice in Kebbi. And CBN. And there is yam. Ask Audu Ogbeh…
Question: But herdsmen have sacked the farmers?
Answer: Who told you that? Ortom? Are you from Benue?
Question: It’s not only in Benue. It’s also in Zamfara, Plateau, Nasarawa, even your own home state, Katsina.
Answer: I went for Sallah in Daura. No herdsmen. They are not from Nigeria. Ortom must tolerate his neighbours. We’re all Nigerians. There’s grazing corridor. Colonial masters put it there. Everywhere there is grass. Even up to Bar Beach. Nama must eat. Nama doesn’t know grass or dawa. Cow eat grass Fulani sells cow to Munchi and Munchi eat meat. We are all brothers. One Nigeria. No anti-grazing law.
Question: which constitution mapped out this grazing corridor you’re referring to?
Answer: Constitution? Haba! It is there. (Turning to Prof) …VP, oya, quote the constitution for him…
