Mercy Okorie currently suffers depression, following the discovery of her husband’s chats and some nude pictures of his cyber chat partner via Internet. According to her, this was not the first time she would make such findings and brought it to his attention.
The two have been married for three years and she had expected that they would remain honest to their marital vows at this period. Her husband had been friends with the cyber partner for two years. She discovered this for the first time eight months ago. She had become increasingly suspicious of her husband when she found out that he spent considerable time, chatting on the Internet at the expense of the time he should spend with the family.
“Whenever I queried him on my discomfort with the distance that his laptop was creating between us, he always used his work, as a defence. Most times, he stayed on the laptop till midnight after I would have slept. This gradually ate into our sexual life, as he seldom made advances at me. When I saw that he was getting carried away most times, I decided out of curiousity, one Saturday evening, after he had gone to see some friends of his off and they were chatting outside for a long while, to go through his chats.
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Since he did not remember to put the laptop off like he usually do, I got access to some of them. I was shocked at what I saw; it was about six different nude pictures of a woman, who posed in different forms for him and his own with their chats. I did not know what to do, I simply went into my room, crying. What broke my heart more was the fact that he had on occasions compared me with his chat partner, whom he had described as ‘smarter, sexier and more intelligent’. Why would he get engaged in s*x chatting when I was not starving him?” asked Mercy.
When he later came in and she confronted him, he appeared sorry and promised to desist from the practice. But weeks after, when she discovered that he appeared to be hiding some things away from her, as she went near him while he was working on the laptop again, she knew he had not desisted from the habit.
She became devastated by her husband’s strong denial of the issue, as infidelity on his part. “When it became clear that he is still guilty of the dirty habit, my husband would not want to admit that he was cheating on her, as long as he is not “sleeping” with her. I was shocked that he could take it that way; he insisted that I could not conclude that he had committed adultery or infidelity of any sort. There is no big deal, he told me and that I should not see it as anything,” she said.
Although a marital therapy was administered on the couple, it took time before he finally agreed to committing cybers*x on their marriage. He subsequently expressed regret over his behaviour and apologised to his wife. His justification for his behaviour was that he engaged in it, as a way of relaxing or unwinding. His depressed wife, however, felt hurt, cheated, ridiculed and let down.
Online infidelity includes a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone other than the spouse, which begins with an online contact and is maintained mainly through electronic conversations that occur through e-mail and chat rooms. The emphasis is on the process whereby individuals already involved in a committed relationship seek to be involved in computer synchronous, interactive contacts with members of the opposite s*x. A cyber affair can either be a continuous relationship specific to one online user or a series of random erotic chat room encounters with multiple online users.
According to studies, it is viewed as potentially devastating to many relationships and a major factor in deteriorating marital relations.
Dayo Adeduro, a relationship expert, observed that confronting your spouse on your feelings is one of the most straightforward ways to determine if someone is cheating. He advised that you ask him or her directly. Not everyone will come clean, however, and they may continue telling lies. “Spying on them online or hiring a private detective may result in hostile feelings between the two of you and may further weaken any trust that still exists,” he said.
Choose a good time to have a conversation. You should also try to choose a time when you can both be available and able to devote time to the conversation. Do not try to ambush your partner in the act, but this might not be the most productive route.
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Do not be aggressive or accusatory with your questions. Approaching the conversation in a serious yet calm manner may result in a more honest conversation than if you are aggressive, demanding where your partner has been or who they have been with.
Prepare yourself for what you might find. Have a plan for what you will do in the event that you discover your partner is cheating. This is very important so that your health will not be put on the line. Finding out this information can ruin relationships – not just the relationship between you and your partner, but between other family members, children and friends. It can have financial impact on you as well. Figure out where you stand, regarding infidelity and where you draw the line. Have a confidante. Choose a close friend or family member, who will be a good sounding board for you. If possible, choose someone who will not be misconstrued as a romantic partner of yours; your own relationships may undergo close scrutiny in the process.
Get family or friends, who can help you through the situation. In a situation like this, it is important that one gets loyal and honest people, who will be the most supportive people in your life.
Suggest to your partner that you see a marriage counselor together. Get referrals from trusted friends for the job, as it is not every marriage counselor that will be appropriate or best fit for you and your partner, and it may take visiting with more than one counselor to find the right one. Be patient with your partner through this process, particularly if they have admitted cheating on you. If you are committed to making the relationship work, you will need to both be open to forgiveness and compromise.
