Although naturally, parents look forward to their daughters’ wedding days, a part of them usually feel uncomfortable seeing them dating. But while you may be blameless, considering your emotional attachment and the risks that accompany such a step, you must know that this will surely happen one day.
Yes, it’s going to happen, maybe soon because it’s a normal part of teen development.
In fact, crushes, dating and even falling in love are some of the most fun parts of being a teenager and for all you care, she might just be experiencing one if not all of these.
Your worry as a mom though expected must be that she passes through the experience well and healthily. In short, relationship experts have advised parents, especially mothers, never to shy away from putting them right as much as possible early enough. The risk of leaving the matter for a future date that may never come, they said, is higher.
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Mrs. Kate Ogunsola is one of such experts. According to her, “avoiding the issue is dangerous because the child involved will be left open to all kinds of insights and suggestions from other people, who may be dishing out such ideas based on their selfish interests or other reasons. It is important that mothers take the bull by the horn by occupying this position to monitor and guide their daughters closely as soon as they reach puberty when their physical appearances are capable of drawing men’s attention.”
How then do you prepare your daughter for a healthy dating experience?
Intimate her with the different sides men have
Let her know that there is more to all the romantic relationships she has read about in novels, watched in movies. Most of them can be crude, misogynistic, and or hypersexualised. They really may not be a useful reflection of dating in the real world.
As her parent, your main jobs are to offset misleading information she’s learned about dating from other sources and to help her be true to herself.
There’s no script for having these conversations with our teen daughters. However, there are some topics that are essential to discuss with her. Here are some themes you want to make sure you talk about with your teen daughter when she starts dating.
Movies might have her thinking that all guys are either hopeless, wicked, cheats, losers or cool studs, who expect girls to swoon after them. Let her know that guys come in different kinds. Cite her male friends as examples. Watch relationship-related movies with her just to drive home your points. Also give her real instances that you know she can easily relate with.
Make sure she knows that some guys will take advantage of her, so, she should be careful of those who come to tell her they love her. Let her know that anyone she dates should earn her trust and not pressure or force her to do something she doesn’t want to.
She should also know that while there are a few exceptions, most teen guys are horny jerks. She must not be carried away by guys’ sweet words because they are wired to say good things. Besides, since she is just starting the business of relationship, she needs to be focused on her life dreams and be with someone, who also desire to invest in a worthwhile future, not a playboy.
Remind her that guys have feelings too. If she turns someone down for a date, she should do it kindly. Just as she wouldn’t want to be teased cruelly, she shouldn’t say hurtful things. Guys may not show their hurt, but they feel it. A hurt guy is capable of fomenting all kinds of trouble.
Social pressures and risks
Most teens believe that they should date at a particular time, especially when they see many of their friends dating. They are, therefore, pressurised to go for any guy just to ‘belong.’ Tell her not to do, so as it is not mandatory that she follows the bandwagon. Some teens, especially girls, who are or want to be “popular,” may date certain guys to look cooler. This can work but it can also backfire or otherwise come with a high price. Some popular guys also go after some certain girls to gain a particular status and not because they have any feeling for them. Warn them to be careful of this.
Also let them know the risks involved in agreeing to sexual activities. Such girls are not just labeled a slut, their details are shared among friends and this may be negative on them in the future. Let her also be aware that it is no big deal to be labeled “uptight” or “frigid” just because she says no to guys.
Sexting is risky. It’s dangerous enough to send a sexy selfie to a guy no matter the trust she has for him. This is because even when he is willing to keep it to himself, someone else may get hold of his phone and get prankful with it. The pictures may end up on the Internet. “Her intimate photo may become a trophy he shows off to other guys,” Kate says.
Sex and dating aren’t synonyms
It may seem to your daughter that everyone who’s dating is also having sex. People may talk as if that’s true…but it often isn’t. Make sure she knows that physical contact in all its forms – from kissing to intercourse should be avoided until they are both mature to be more committed. Let her know that kissing may be presented, as harmless to her but it can lead to other things, such as fondling and intercourse, which she is may likely not be ready for. Explain the concept of consent to her and reassure her that she can say No to any sexual activity without ruining the relationship. She can be polite but firm: “I really like you, but I’m not ready for that.” “That’s as far as I want to go tonight.” “Let’s just keep doing what we were doing before; it feels really good.” Most people will respect her No (and anyone who won’t isn’t worth being with).
Keep the girlfriends
Being in a new relationship can be so exciting so much that it practically takes over her life. It’s understandable but she must have time still for her girlfriends. It’s very important that girls continue doing all the things they’ve enjoyed, including spending time with friends.
‘If a partner demands too much of her time or acts jealous when she’s not available, that’s a very bad sign,’ observes Kate. The relationship might be becoming abusive. In a healthy relationship, partners encourage each other to have all sorts of people and activities in their lives.
You are enough
“If ever there were messages daughters need to hear from their moms, it’s this,” says child psychologist Olumbe Raphael, “Children, especially as they reach adolescence, need to be made to believe in themselves. They need to know that they have all they need to be loved. That means they are just enough for all that it takes in any relationship. “Teach your daughter that anyone who tries to convince her otherwise isn’t right for her, and someone who doesn’t see her worth hasn’t earned a place in her life. Encourage her to think about what’s right for her in any situation. What does her gut tell her? What makes her feel whole, happy, and energised? That’s what she should be looking for, in dating and in life. Sometimes, relationships look right on the surface, but feel wrong deep down. Maybe, she’s not getting out of it what she’s putting in, or she simply feels something’s missing. Tell her to understand her wants and convey them, so she can fix issues or move on. “She must have a strong sense of self, not try to be what the other person wants her to be,” Raphael says.
Enter and stay in a relationship for the right reasons
Mothers must teach their daughters that true love is about affection, selflessness, and generosity. If those qualities aren’t there in the relationship, she should not be involved in it. “Loneliness, peer group pressure or self- pity or other personal needs aren’t any reason to stay with someone,” added Raphael.
It is a major role of parents to guide their children right where relationships are concerned. It is capable of making or marring their future. So, don’t wait until your daughter is in a crisis to give this advice. Help her learn how to recognise signs she shouldn’t stay with someone early enough before it becomes too late.
