Sometime in January this year, Ovbiogie, a rustic town in Ovia North East Local Government Area of Edo State was thrown into deep mourning when a 35-year-old man allegedly killed his wife and two sons in a fit of anger, following an allegation of infidelity.
The man, who was simply identified as Uwaila, reportedly fired a volley of gunshots through the door into the room where his wife and children took refuge, when they realised that his anger had become uncontrollable. The shots hit them unfortunately and got them killed.
The furious middle-aged suspect, who was promptly arrested by the local police, disclosed that his wife had accused him of serially engaging in extramarital affairs and had threatened to get even with him by having flings with some men.
That was just one out of the many instances of evil aftermath of anger triggered by different kinds of reasons that could actually pass as flimsy.
There is no marriage that does not go through periods of highs and lows. Therefore, it is pretty common for a husband and wife to differ on certain points. At times one spouse becomes more dominant and this may get the other furious, which ultimately may end in a row.
Well, while having rows between couples may not be any big deal, its consequence, aside from death and different physical injuries, can have a long term negative effect on the recipients. According to relationship experts and victims, for instance, when a husband gets angry and yells, his wife cowers but when a wife gets angry and yells, her husband leaves.
These are common outcomes when a spouse flies off the handle, especially when the anger is a one-sided outburst, having nothing to do with a fight. It doesn’t matter which spouse is expressing his or her upset with anger; anger frightens the other.
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Dealing with anger is a challenge! It is inevitable in a relationship, as close and intimate as a marriage.
Should you then find yourself in a relationship with an otherwise good but quick-tempered person, here are guidelines for how to deal with their angry outbursts.
Identify what triggers his temperament
Make it a point to voice your feelings to each other in the best possible way without being condescending or judgmental. Once both of you are aware of what acts as a trigger for your respective anger issues, you can deal with them more effectively. It is common knowledge that ‘opposites attract’, and so make sure that both of you balance each other out and are aware of what irks the other.
If the husband enjoys making his point heard, the wife should prefer to let him have his say to maintain calmness in their bond. Or, the wife may disagree with her husband on different topics and the husband might choose to act as the peacemaker. Well, here are some ways to handle your spouse’s temper effectively.
Do not get angry when he is
Secondly, it would be wise if you took a step back to allow your partner to cool down. Therefore, if you find your spouse getting angry over something, do not make things worse by tackling them or reprimanding them for their actions there and then. Instead, step aside and allow them to calm down. In time, they themselves will come back and apologise for their outburst.
The key here is to give them their space so that they can realise their folly on their own. Sometimes you may disapprove of your spouse’s outbursts over trivial and petty issues, which may cause you to wonder what you might have done wrong. However, the key to dealing with such outbursts over minor issues is to have the patience to deal with your partner calmly. Therefore, avoid responding with equally nasty comments that could rupture into something major.
Discuss the issue later
When the two of you are in a calm mood and then ask your spouse in a matter-of-fact, in a calm tone what actually hurt him to have acted or raised his or her voice like he did. If, indeed, it’s something that might disturb anybody, let your partner know that you understand that what happened annoyed him but that their anger is frightening, and that this behaviour is not healthy for either of you, and certainly not conducive for the wellbeing of your marriage.
If your spouse can hear you and is willing to accept responsibility for his temper, you will soon overcome the problem. If, however, what set your beloved off is not understandable to you, or if he or she does not take responsibility for their anger, it’s imperative to get professional help as soon as possible. Similarly, if your spouse cannot deal appropriately with his or her outbursts despite both of your best efforts, you should seek help. It is not acceptable for you to live in an atmosphere of fear. It will not just ruin your marriage; it may also lead to death of one or both or everyone in the family.
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Keep your own attitude under check
It is important that you know that at times it might be your behaviour and attitude that might cause tempers to fly. If you fight fire with fire, you will end up in a stalemate with the problem. It is vital that you manage your emotions well in order to prevent any major outburst with your temperamental spouse. So, if you know that there are things that could cause an emotional outburst; your reaction to it could determine whether it has the possibility of turning ugly or getting resolved. Once you discover that your partner is angry, try and quietly leave the point of trouble, learn to excuse yourself. Even if you are the one angry, try and step out to take some fresh air just to calm down.
Encourage them towards change
You should also help encourage your spouse to adopt certain tips to calm down during an outburst. Deep breathing and maybe some meditation in the morning could prove to be the right solutions to help your partner control his or her temperament. Let your spouse also have an idea of the ill-effects of anger, its health implications, even on himself like high blood pressure.
