ENSLAVED BY CULTURE: Woman whose only child died can’t remarry except husband who’s been abroad for 10 years gives consent
Joy Anyim
One of the expectations of a parent, who has a female child, is to see them grow into adulthood, and when the time is right, give such child out in marriage.
This was the case with a 35-year-old woman, simply identified as Ozichukwu, who hails from Onitsha in Anambra State.
While in her early 20s, Ozichukwu met a young handsome businessman, Enem, who is from Enugu State. The duo fell in love, got consent of their parents, and within months, took the bold step of formalising their union traditionally.
The love birds retired to their Lagos home after the union in 2007. They were enjoying each other’s comfort until 2009 when they were greeted with an untold hardship. It was in a bid to make life better and search for greener pasture that Enem opted to travel to South Africa, after the birth of their first and only child, Miracle.
According to Ozichukwu, her husband left the shores of Nigeria in September 2009, but has since then, not returned despite several pleas by her family and his husband’s.
The financial burden of bringing up their only child, paying house rent and others, were on her, as Enem had never sent a dime to the family since he left for South Africa.
READ ALSO: http://JUST IN: We can confirm second case of Coronavirus in Nigeria, says FG
Tragedy, however, struck on October 12, 2019, when the only fruit of the marriage, 11-year-old Miracle, was swept away by flood at Ikola Bridge on Alabede Road Aboru, Iyana-Ipaja in Lagos, following a downpour.
On that sad day, Ozichukwu, who runs a restaurant at Iyana-Ipaja, had taken ill. She had managed to go to her shop that morning. Concerned by his mother’s health, Miracle had left their Heritage Estate home, while it was still raining, for his mother’s shop.
His bid was borne out of love and compassion for his struggling mother. He had convinced his 16-year-old cousin, Obinna, to accompany him to his mother’s shop, so that his mother could return home to rest.
He never reached his mother’s shop, as the lad, who had just started his secondary school education, drowned in flood.
Although Miracle’s remains were found and had since been buried, Ozichukwu now wants more from life. She wants to have babies since her only child is no more.
Ozichukwu, who recently spoke with The Nigerian Xpress correspondent, said she needs help to either get separated from her husband so that she can remarry and have children or alternatively, Enem should return to his duty, as her husband so that they can have children together.
With teary eyes and a cracked voice, Ozichukwu managed to narrate her ordeal to the correspondent. “We got married in 2007. We were together in Lagos till 2009, when he said he wanted to travel out in search of greener pasture. I assisted him to raise money to process his travel documents. I hawked and even borrowed money to ensure he travelled. So, in September 2009, he left for South Africa.
“He travelled when our late son and only child was a year and four-month-old. Since he travelled, he has not been playing his role, as a father or a husband. It has been over 10 years now, and he does not send me money. When my son was alive, he didn’t know how I was managing to train the boy. From when the child was 16-month-old, till when he died at age11, I was responsible for his feeding, clothing, and payment of school fees alone.
“Do you know that there was a time I fell sick, Doctors diagnosed me with Fibroid, I had to undergo a surgery for which I spent over N400,000; it was all on me. I spent my life’s savings then.
When I recovered, I couldn’t continue with my business, I had to go and start working at a factory. I was earning less than N15,000, monthly, and I was closing very late. Sometimes, I would get home at midnight. I, however, managed to put things together and resumed my restaurant business.
At that time of my difficulty, my husband was not there financially and physically. I even had to withdraw my son from the private school he was attending to another one that was far cheaper.
“When it was time for him to go to secondary school, I called my husband to inform him. I also told him that I needed help to pay my house rent. He told me he did not have money to help, and that has always been the case. He even told me that I should go and enrol my late son to learn a trade if I didn’t have money to pay his school fees, that he also did not have.
Because I know the value of education and would want the best for my child, seeing I did not have the opportunity of getting a quality education, I had to manage, squeezed all that I had to ensure the boy registered in one of the best private schools around. I spent close to N100,000. Even my house rent, I have not finished paying till date.
“At first, I did not want my in-laws to know about my ordeal, as they had earlier alleged that I was responsible for their brother not extending his hand of care to them, which I just laughed about then, and let it go.
But in 2019, I confronted them, opened up to his mother and siblings; they were all surprised, and their younger sister, who had lived with me sometime back corroborated my story. She told them I was carrying the whole financial burden of taking care of my late child and myself alone. They were shocked and surprised.
“Following the death of our only son, and his burial, when I returned from the village, I called my husband, pleading that he returns so that we can, at least, have more children. I also begged him that since things are not working, as anticipated in the over 10 years he had been in South Africa, he should return to Nigeria. We can always manage. We can start afresh. Instead, he told me to stop complaining. He asked me if I was the one that married myself? He also said I should stay where he kept me,” she narrated.
The young woman is, however, caged by tradition, as she can only leave the marriage when Enem says he is no longer interested.
She continues her story: “I also called my in-laws again, insisting that they talk to their brother to let me go. I want to divorce him. But they said it was not possible, that in their tradition if the man who married a woman has not said he is no longer interested, the family cannot ask the man’s wife to go, or even accept a return of the dowry from the woman’s family.
“I really don’t know what they want me to do. When my son was alive, he begged his father to return home when news had it that South Africans were killing Nigerians. He even pleaded with him to take advantage of the kind gesture by Air Piece to fly Nigerians, who were interested in returning home for free but he refused. You claim not to be making money in a country, for the over 10 years you have been there, and you still don’t want to return to your fatherland. I just wonder.”
Asked if she suspects her husband may have started a new family in South Africa, which may be the reason he has not returned home or been taking care of her, she said: “I also have a family relative in South Africa, who I called to help me find out if my husband was married, but that my relative told me he is single, that they even advised him to marry a South African woman to help him stabilise, but he refused. For me, I am tired, his family has been begging, saying I should give him till the end of 2020, but the truth is that if he has not returned for over 10 years, is it now that he will return?
READ ALSO: http://Oshiomhole’s many sins
“People even advised me before I lost my son, to go and get pregnant for another man and move on, but I see that as cheating on him. He paid my bride price, and I cannot just misbehave except we divorce. I am in a dilemma, as my family cannot return the bride price to his family, who said they cannot accept it, and my only source of comfort in this marriage is gone with the flood of last year. I am confused, I need help.”
The Nigerian Xpress spoke with a Lagos-based lawyer, Grace Ketefe, on the options available to Ozichukwu.
According to the lawyer, Ozichukwu can approach the Customary Court in Lagos, seeking to be divorced from her husband.
“She can go to the Customary Court to ask for the dissolution of the marriage on the grounds that the man deserted her and has not been sending money for maintenance. The man will be served an invitation by the court, which will be sent to his last known address, his relatives’ address, or his village.
“The court will give the man the opportunity to also come and defend himself based on the claims of the woman. She has to stand her ground, that he has stayed away for a long time, despite having the opportunity to visit Nigeria. It highly depends on her she couches her case, ” she stated.
Speaking on the Igbo tradition and the law, Ketefe said: “Igbo stick to their tradition sometimes blindly. You see some women will say even if a court dissolves the marriage and his family has not collected back the bride price, I still belong to him. That is wrong. Women need to be more enlightened and aware they should not allow culture and tradition to enslave them.”
Similarly, a relationship expert cum marriage counsellor, Yemisi Olusina, is of the opinion that Ozichukwu should move on with her life, get a new man and have other children.
Olusina said rather than allow the situation to continue to torment her psychologically and emotionally, she should move on.
She has this to say: “Time is not on a woman’s side. Before you know it, menopause will come knocking. She should look for another man and go on to have children. She should not allow culture and tradition to hold her down. By the time she does this, the man that does not want her to go will be forced to let her go because no man would be happy to say a woman he married went on to have a child or children for another man.
“Her in-laws cannot keep her there without a child, or a husband, it will be telling on her psyche, mental health, and emotion, the issue will be tormenting her. She should take responsibility for her life. She should also do away with the thought of what people will say; she has to move on.”
