If some people could be so creative to start a social media buzz about President Muhammadu Buhari, taking a new wife, choose a ‘suitable’ bride for him (in the person of the newly appointed minister of the newly created Ministry of Humanitarian Affairs, Disaster Management and Social Development, Sadiya Umar Farouq), design a very presidential wedding invitation card, suggest Aso ebi and all the works, including sending the video clips from the purported wedding D-Day preparations of both bride and groom, I think it would not be out of place for me to also let my own imagination run wild.
How could someone not be tempted to do a Nollywood epic from all the salacious story lines, emanating from around the Villa – including the viral video of a screaming First Lady (‘Academic’, the curious video of a partying ‘First Lady, Admin’), the Fatima Daura connection, the apartment within apartments, and, of course, the big masquerade himself, Alhaji Mamman Daura? Unfortunately, I don’t have the guts to talk about the man, who, like an elephant, means different things to different people, depending on what side you touch him from.
In fact, until the devil led me to mention his name now, what I usually do is that even if I see him in my dream, I go back to sleep, and remain in bed until I have had another dream. Yes, our Aso Rock is like the Mythical Mount Olympus – home to many gods.
The problem, however, is that we still don’t know who plays Zeus – especially with this seeming penchant to outsource constitutional powers to not-too-constitutional entities. But that is deviating from my focus here, which is to manufacture my own incredulous story about the wedding that wasn’t – even when some diehard wailers insist it was only postponed. Some felons even swear it held privately. I don’t believe all that.
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What I believe is what is contained in the imaginary Nollywood script that has been written in my lazy-youth head. And it goes thus:
The First Lady, who has always been pissed off with happenings around the Villa (including not having access to her husband, as she would want, at least, to put a lie to all the seditious Jibril tales), decided to give herself a break from it all. Of course, this was a welcome idea to the real occupants of the powerhouse. Good riddance to bad rubbish!
However, busybodies in the camps of the PDP and other wailers soon put two and two together, to make 22, the short break now dragged into weeks – and months. Fuel was soon added to the fire by fifth columnists – persons who, though were in the power dining room, were not seated at the table, but were rather serving as footstools to the privileged diners. These were the people, who daily tickled Hajia’s ears with tales of how Tura’i and Mama Peace, before her, were in complete control during their tenures.
But then, the same wailers and fifth columnists, who beat the drum in the bush, soon ran out unto the road, to join those looking for the people, who beat the drum in the bush. The posers became so loud that the Power people began to ask Aisha to return. But she remained adamant – not even with the promise of properly recognising her status, as First Lady and hiring an array of aides for her would make her budge.
So, Plan B went into action. They decided to touch the nerve that jolts every married woman: that a new wife is coming. The social media went agog. The story of the Amariya was not activated by Wailers, but by the innermost circle of Hailers – even though it was designed to be blamed on ubiquitous Wailers, Haters and Detractors.
However, since nobody of consequence was confirming anything to ‘holidaying’ Aisha, even as the social media was coming up with new spins nearly every other hour, our otherwise adamant First Lady jumped on the next plane back home. ‘Ko baje fun vacation’, as the Yoruba would say (loosely translated as ‘E no go better for vacation.
According to the cat in Igbo folktale, the reason it covers its pooh, after poohing, is to avoid a situation whereby one man’s property suddenly becomes another man’s. Like the proverbial cat, Hajia Aisha did not want one woman’s husband to become another woman’s husband.
It reminds one about the old man whose children were all abroad and refusing to visit home, claiming to be too busy with their jobs. Well, the man picked up his phone one day and told the children, one after another that he was divorcing their mother because of irreconcilable difference, and that nothing would stop him.
The children, alarmed, called one another in different parts of the world. They then got back to the father and begged him not to do anything about the divorce until Christmas. By Christmas, all his children were home to help settle this ‘irreconcilable difference’.
To their surprise, they met their parents still the lovey-dovey couple they had always been. It was the old man’s trick to get his children to come home for Christmas. That was the same trick the old men of the power kitchen played on our First Lady. She rushed back. Neither Saudi, Umrah, doctors’ advice, UK nor quality time with her children could hold her back. There was fire on the mountain.
The old men’s trick worked. The president, who ignored all of us throughout the brouhaha, now has his wife back. She is placated with a few ceremonial aides. And the old beat goes on.To underscore how far Hajia Aisha was sold on this marriage tale, refer to that BBC interview. She was wondering why the alleged bride did not even deny the rumour until the appointed day had come and gone. Our First lady was clearly convinced something ‘funny’ was afoot’.
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Now, if you believe anything you just read, just check yourself into the nearest padded wall, and ask for your own straight jacket.
However, you are at liberty to believe this one: That apology the First Lady tendered over the viral video of her shouting at the Villa is the most politically strategic apologia ever.
For one, those of us who watched that video could not make out her face, because whoever shot it was shooting into the light rays. However those who know the first lady confirmed it was her voice alright. But the first lady would put out our doubts herself, by confirming that she was indeed the one in the video.
That confirmation effectively puts the joke of that embarrassment of a certain Fatima Daura – who worsened her own case by her social media post owning the video. It was supposed. She has now told us how her family, none of whom we voted for (nor officially appointed) have been living in Aso Rock since Buhari became president.
How they are made to stay closer to the president than even his own children. Indeed, the gods first make those they want to destroy mad. Can there be a worse self-damning testimony?
So, if Fatima’s narrative backing up the video was aimed at embarrassing Hajia Aisha, it did the exact opposite. It portrays the first lady as a full-blooded woman, protecting her territory, as all married women do – especially against perceived pesky ‘in-laws’.
Yes! Aso Rock now has its own in-laws and outlaws wahala too. And the First Lady rubbed salt into the injury by her ‘apology’. Smart woman!
