For most married men, their partners stop loving them as soon as the kids started coming, a development, they said, pushed them off their wives and the homes as the case might be.
Before any woman will try making any defence, it is important that they go through this dialogue that The Nigerian Xpress had with some women below:
“How often do you go out on a date with your partner?” a woman was recently asked.
Her response: “I cannot remember the last time we did an outing together…Really, it’s been long.”
“But why? How long have you been married?” went another question.
“We have been married for about seven years now and we are blessed with three children who I almost single-handedly take care of from morning till night. I am not saying my husband does not play his part in all of these but, apart from providing the finances, I do all the running around. This is besides other domestic work in the house. So, where do I get the time to even plan a date? He does not want a house help, he does not want me to work, and so, I am really totally into this.” She said almost sounding frustrated.
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The response of another woman was again a confirmation. “I spend most of the time with the children, so, there is no way I will not like them more. Besides, they are my blood, I gave birth to them and they are cute little young men and women whose world is really tied around what I tell them. This is why I give them all the attention that they need to help them grow well. Their father is hardly around, so, I must be there. This takes a lot of my time.” She explained.
While the explanations of these two women might have represented the mindset of most married women, currently, some men who were queried on the same issue also had the same conclusion. This was evident in the hierarchical way they arranged their preferences for their loved ones; “my kids, my wife then my parents,” some told this weekly. A few even placed their mother and their side chicks before their wives, saying these ones give them more attention than their spouses.
A Relationship Expert, Mrs Funmilayo Adeeyo, however, said this was not good enough. “Putting your spouse first in your marriage is advisable because it will make it last a lifetime. Marriage is a serious engagement that entails all kinds of responsibilities as the day comes by. To make it more strenuous, couples must ensure to joggle all together and make the best out of it. This is because you were together first before the kids came. Putting your marriage on cruise control for years, while you focus on your kids is like falling asleep at the wheel,” she said.
Other disadvantage of putting your kids ahead of your spouse is loneliness. According to Adeeyo, “when your kids leave for school or at an older age, when they get married and leave to stay permanently with their own partners, you will be left with your spouse that you have treated not too well. What I am saying is that if you’ve made them your last priority, when the kids were around, thinking it was not any big deal, they’d be dumb to stay with you or be there for you. Such a spouse would definitely see it as their pay-back time.
To put your partners first in your marriage, Adeeyo advised that they be treated like a dog. “Always be happy to see them and greet them at the door like a dog wags its tail, find time to go out for walks like owners of dogs do, reward good behaviour several times a day with a treat, give lots of physical affection every day just like you pet your dog and don’t hold grudges just as you don’t punish a dog for weeks on end for pooping once in the house. Do not be mad at your spouse for something he said last week,” she suggested.
In addition, you should hug, hold hands, often, text or flirt throughout the day like sending such reminders as “just thinking about you now.”
Try also that make your bedroom a no kid’s zone. Let the kids know that it’s “your space.”
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Say I love you, in front of the kids, daily.
Plan the week as a family. You and your spouse should manage your family like it’s a team but you’re the star players. A family is like a ship driven by the two spouses.
A strong marriage, Adeeyo said is the healthiest thing you can give your kids. The kids feel safe and loved when they see two parents who work as a team, take interest in each other, make an effort, display both respect and affection and act like one another’s favourite, even after all these years.
It also prevents your kids from becoming obnoxious kids. When you make kids the centre of your life, they turn into adults who think they are the centre of the universe and when they do not get to be treated as such, they make troubles in their homes.
To avoid this mindset, it is important that parents ensure to be good examples to their kids. If children see that their father or mother is placed after them, they may grow up to do the same. It’s your job to teach them what is right and you will do this by showing them with your marriage first.
Remember, spouses aren’t roommates, they’re partners and lovers. When your kids are put before your spouse, your role as wife gets shelved. Slowly you start to feel like a taxi driver, lunch packer and homework checker. You and your spouse become so busy, focusing on everything but each other. The result of this is division, both of you will drift apart, chasing the spice in your marriage away.