Love is one four-letter word that everyone is familiar with. Among families, friends and even children, it is a word that everyone uses to express their affection for casual things like favourite food, snacks, ice-cream, wears, shoes and the likes.
It is a concept sought by all. Among lovers, the word love is often employed to express their feelings which usually go beyond the ordinary love that relatives profess to themselves. In marriage, it is a means by which spouses make a covenant commitment towards each other for the rest of their lives.
We profess it, show it, receive it and feel it – at least that’s the hope. Love is not something you can check off a list It’s a way of living, thinking and doing. It is shown whole-heartedly through our actions.
Love surely means very different things in each instance above, yet we use it in each one all the same. Among lovers, this dilution of the word has caused confusion on what the action of love actually resembles. Many are unaware that showing love is vastly different from saying love.
Sharing an instance was a relationship expert, Mr John Durosinmi who has also been married for a while now. His words: “I tell Juliana, my wife, that I love her at least a few times each day, but you know what? The phrase has very little bearing on whether or not she feels loved. I can say it, text it, email it, and write it in the clouds but I soon discovered that if my actions don’t show her I love her, the words quickly lose their meaning, they’re merely a quick breath of air formed into a syllable of consonants and vowel.
I also show her I love her by kissing her. But the kisses I give to her don’t mean as much as her kisses given to me. Why? Because we speak different love languages. Juliana feels most loved when we spend good amounts of quality time together with good conversation. Nothing fills her love-bucket like a devoted day together, free from distraction and diversion. If I give her a kiss or tell her I love her after a day together, she knows it and she feels it.
For the early part of our marriage, this was causing problems. We were having issues that caused intense arguments with each of us feeling not being appreciated. The day, I decided to take some time out to learn her concept of love, learn her love language, our lives took a better turn. I mean our love life has become better. What I discovered was that her love language actually involves very little speaking of it. I really do not need to continue to say it. Saying “I love you” with words is much more meaningful when it’s reinforced by action.”
Just as this expert has related, more women want your claim of love to be backed up with actions, after all, action, they say, speaks louder than voice. This, of course, does not mean that you should not say it. What this is telling us is that lovers, spouses should see it as a major duty to learn how to best communicate love to each other. We all know that if your spouse only speaks French, you’d probably start learning French, otherwise, there will be a wide communication gap.
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Just as speaking a new (literal) language means learning the right as well as the wrong things to say, the same is true for your spouse’s love language. You have to learn cultural idioms, faux pas and taboos, so, you can avoid them.
One thing you should note is that while certain behaviours will make some feel incredibly loved, other behaviours will make them feel devastated. So, to have an idea of what to do and where to improve, the following will serve as a guide to illustrate things to do and things to avoid when communicating love to your spouse based on their love language. Below are the five love languages you must learn to speak
- Words of Affirmation
How to communicate: Encourage, affirm, appreciate and empathize.
Actions to take: Send an unexpected note, text or card. Encourage genuinely and often.
Avoid Non-constructive criticism, not recognizing or appreciating effort.
- Physical Touch
How to communicate: Because this is non-verbal, use body language and touch to emphasize love.
Actions to take: Hug, kiss, hold hands, show physical affection regularly. Make intimacy a thoughtful priority.
Avoid: Physical neglect, long stints without intimacy, receiving affection coldly.
- Receiving Gifts
How to communicate: Thoughtfulness, make your spouse a priority, speak purposefully.
Actions to take: Give gestures and gifts thoughtfully, with and without special occasion. Even small things matter in a big way. Express gratitude when you’re given a gift.
Avoid: Forgetting special occasions.
- Quality Time
How to communicate: Make uninterrupted and focused conversations possible. This must be a one-on-one event. To do this, create special moments together, take walks and do small things with your spouse. Weekend getaways are huge.
Avoid Distractions when spending time together. Make sure you do not bring up any offensive discussion.
- Acts of Service
The only way to communicate this is by using action phrases like “I will” and “I’ll help…” Women, especially want to know you’re with them, partnered with them. Do chores together or make them breakfast in bed. Go out of your way to help alleviate their daily workload and they will go to any length to make you happy.
Avoid making the requests of others a higher priority, lacking follow-through on tasks big and small.
Take some pain to go through these five languages. Learn, speak, live them and you will be surprised at the spice this will add to your love life.
Note: If your own love language is different from the above or you have a challenge getting the message through your partner, let’s know, please.