Debby woke up suddenly when she felt her husband’s hands all over her. “I had a stressful day at work and could barely take a cup of tea, ran a hot wash over my entire body, all within 15 minutes of my return from work before I fell asleep. The children have been taken care of by the housemaid and I just bade them goodnight after leaving an instruction that they should go to bed before nine 0’clock. I did not know when my husband came back, but when I finally knew, it was about 12 midnight. I just felt him yank my nightgown up and pull my legs apart. I tried pushing him off but he was too strong and heavy because of his weight. I was tired, of course, so he just simply pinned me down to the bed and had his way. This wasn’t the first time he would force himself on me, but this time was the worst. He was rougher than usual and I thought it would never end. I managed not to scream as usual because the children were just next door and they are all light sleepers. But, he kept pounding on as if he was possessed by some strange spirit and all I could do at that time was to plead with him, pray that God keep me alive and that none of the kids stroll into the room and see us because he might have left the room unlocked with the assumption that they were fast asleep.”
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The next day, Debby had a bruised lip and boobs, red patches all over her body, her back ached, and her insides felt raw and bruised. She had to feign illness to avoid going to work and be subjected to all kinds of questions from her friends and co-workers who might have noticed the bruises.
When she tried to broach the issue with her husband, all he could say was: “You are my wife and should be ready to quench my sexual thirst all the time. If you had not struggled, maybe, you would not have had those bruises. But, this is what we agreed on when we both agreed to be husband and wife. The Bible is a witness of this. If you had not been a prude, then maybe we would have a spicier sex life.”
The couple has been married for over a decade and Debby said, in all honesty, she was not a prude. “I do not know what to do but I am not enjoying this. I don’t think it is okay for me to be afraid of my husband or of sleeping in my own bed with him. I am tired of sustaining bruises and injuries after sexual intercourse from a man that is supposed to care for me,” Debbie lamented.
For most people in this part of the world, men and women alike, there is no such thing as rape or sexual assault between a man and his wife. Even spiritual fathers and mothers, Biblical counselors are always quick to debunk issues around marital rape. Most women who have had to complain about such cases have written to show me the Bible portion that their counselors cite to disabuse their minds about the topic. Their counselors often cite 1 Corinthians 7, “your body is not your own,” seemingly implying that God gives their husbands a free pass to do what he wants with her body. How true is this?
But before I continue on this topic, I just want any man who is involved in this act of marital rape to try and put all his female children into the shoes of the wives they frequently assault and see how it feels and then let us know if the act is still right or worth it.
One of the origins of the concept of a marital exemption from rape laws (a rule that a husband cannot be charged with the rape of his wife) is the idea that by marriage a woman gives irrevocable consent for her husband to have sex with her any time he demands it. The husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, because it is believed that by their mutual consent and contract the wife had given up herself in this kind unto her husband, which she cannot retract. But while this remains so, how right can anyone say it is to have the man’s desire forced on the woman.
Whether we like it or not, whenever a man forces his wife into sexual intercourse, hurting her against her wish, it is a case of sexual assault, which is equivalent to rape. Sexual abuse in marriage is not something that is readily disclosed or discussed. It feels shameful to admit even to yourself that your husband treats you as if your sole purpose is to provide him your body whenever and however he wants sex. But that is not God’s intent for her as a woman or as a wife.
Since many women have fallen victim of this act, it is important that we all begin to understand the reality of sexual abuse in marriage and address it properly. Friends, God designed the sexual relationship in marriage to reflect a sacred oneness of unselfishness, safety and mutual love. Sadly, some marriages never get close to reflecting this picture. Instead, there is selfish demand or total disregard for a wife’s feelings, leading to abuse, shame and fear.
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So, at what point does a woman feel she is being raped or sexually abused in her own marriage?
1. When she is forced to do sexual things she does not want to do.
Like Debbie, when as a man, you force your wife into sexual intercourse, force her to do anal sex, oral sex, watch pornography, participate in degrading practices against her will, all in the name of being the owner of her body. This is an assault.
2. When she complies with your sexual demands only because she is threatened or she is afraid of the dire consequences of her refusal.
For instance, if she isn’t physically forced to do these things, if she is threatened with divorce, told you will find someone else or visit prostitutes; or she’s threatened with harm or harm to her children or pressured spiritually by telling her that the Bible says God says her body is not her own. Therefore, she has no rights to say no, just for you to have your way. You have done it against her wish; she has been abused.
3. When you are less concerned about her feelings
For example, if she’s clearly told you not to do it rough or make her go through pains in a particular way you go about it and you cannot be bothered but keep doing it with no apology, then, you are violent. Again, if you don’t care that she is not feeling well or some parts of her body are hurting due to your rough ways but you still had your way. Then, you have raped her. When you don’t also care if she enjoys it as long as you have, then, you have raped her.
Although, I am not one who will encourage any woman to refuse her man, I do object to having her forced into sex. Yes, you can talk, coerce her, lure her into your will but never overpower her into the act. If you do, that will amount to an unruly behavior. Yes, she may be your property but you should know that handling well a property ensures a longer use of such property.
When everything is just all about you and your needs, her role is just to serve and service you, her feelings and needs are secondary or irrelevant, then, and your wife is no longer your better half but your slave. If you force your wife just because your desire for sex must be satisfied, then your wife is a mere body to be used, a possession to own, not a person to love.