Mr. and Mrs. Reuben were once driving home from their child’s school.
“Mom, do we disappoint you? Do you hate us? Do you hate your family?” the child, Pauline, asked her mother.
She was the one driving the car; her husband was reading a newspaper. Her child was seated on the back seat while her husband was at the passenger’s seat beside her.
“Why would you say something so stupid? I don’t hate you. Don’t be stupid,” she shouted at her child, as she drove on.
“Mom, that’s the reason I asked. You shout at me so many times. You call me stupid. Yet you talk so lovingly to other people’s children. When you came to pick me from school, you shouted at me in front of everyone because I was playing with other children with sand, yet you cheered at Bobo, as you watched him and his friends dance. You are so friendly to the neighbourhood children; you invite them home for a glass of juice but at home you make me feel I can’t do anything right. You shout at me almost every day. I am scared. I envy other children and how loving you are towards them. I envy how you hug other children and do anything to make them smile”
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“You even shout at dad and get really angry at him. Dad offered to drive us home today but you spoke to him so rudely. I have noticed that whenever you talk harshly at dad, he picks up a newspaper and doesn’t say a word to avoid fighting with you. Sometimes, I think you treat your friends better than dad; your friends would never hear you talk badly at them. Do you always have to shout and be angry mom?”
Mrs. Reuben didn’t say anything. She continued driving.
Mr. Reuben looked at her and put down the newspaper he was reading. He noticed she was changing directions.
She drove into the nearest car park.
After parking, she unbuckled her seat belt, opened the door, got out of the car then opened the back seat door to where her child was sitting.
Her husband was concerned that she might scold their child in public. She’s done it before.
Instead, she hugged and held her child closely and said, “I am sorry you feel that way. I don’t hate you or your dad. I love you. I love my family. I am sorry sometimes I get angry, angry over even little things. I don’t want to be an evil, ever grumpy mom. So, I will change. I will speak to you and dad better. I didn’t know what I was doing is that bad. I don’t hate you, okay? I love you”
“I love you too, mom,” the child said.
“You should be enjoying childhood. It hurts to know that you envy how I treat other children. I am your mother; other children should be admiring how I treat you, not the other way round,” she said then kissed her child on the forehead.
She looked in front to her husband, “Darling.”
“Yes, my love,” Mr. Reuben responded, looking behind at her and the child.
“I am sorry also for treating you unfairly. I am sorry for taking you for granted, knowing that as my husband you will always be there and feeling entitled to treat you whichever way I want. You are a good man. Even though many times I can be difficult, moody and hostile, you still extend grace and love to me. In addition to loving me, you love peace and that is why you’d rather keep quiet than start an ugly confrontation with me. Thank you for keeping your cool when I am hot with temper. I am sorry that sometimes I am warmer to others than to you. I will change that. I love you,” she told her husband.
Mr. Reuben unbuckled his belt and reached out to her arm. He took her hand and kissed it.
“I love you, my love. You’re making it sound like you are a monster. You are a good wife and mother. It’s just that you need to work on your temper and tongue. Relax, my love; you have been blessed with a good family, enjoy it. You don’t need to shout so that we know you’re serious or so that we do what you request. You don’t look good when veins of frustration pop on your head. Relax. Keep calm. You don’t have to be in control of everything. Stop being anxious about every little thing. Enjoy us. Enjoy your family. Enjoy your life,” her husband told her.
“Thank you, you two. Shall we go have a meal and drinks at the food court? My treat,” She asked.
“Yes, mom, let’s go. I want a milkshake,” the child got excited.
They all got out of the car. Holding hands, they walked to the food court, as a loving family.
As a parent, everyone knows that it’s hard to raise a kid without yelling. The good news is that the occasional yell will not damage your child. The bad news, however, is that if you’re constantly yelling, you just could be doing more harm than good to both you and your child.
Yelling can have far-reaching consequences. Much of the available evidence suggests that yelling can be detrimental to children’s social and emotional development.
In a recently conducted study, researchers from the London School of Economics analysed the effects of yelling on children and came to two interesting conclusions:
When parents use yelling and strict punishments, bad behaviour increases rather than decreases.
The impact of yelling and strict punishments is equivalent to that of doing nothing.
In other words, yelling is equivalent to ignoring bad behaviour.
A different study found that strict and inconsistent punishment led to antisocial behaviour. Yet another study found that children, who were frequently yelled at developed lower self-esteem and higher aggressiveness and depression.
Beyond the negative impact yelling can have on your child, there are other good reasons to stop or, at least, reduce how frequently you yell:
It doesn’t work
Yelling might get you instant results but it will not have a lasting impact on your child’s behaviour.
Yelling tends to work like a vaccine – your child becomes immune to your yelling.
It scares children
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Imagine being yelled at yourself. Being yelled at brings out the negative in everyone.
From the illustration above, it is clear that Mrs. Reuben was lucky to have had the chance to correct her wrong because her daughter was bold enough to express her feelings. She was also fortunate to be blessed with a patient husband. So many homes, who were not opportune the same way have scattered and gone their separate ways. Children from such homes have gone to wrong people and places in search of love and have been destroyed in the process.
It is important that parents check themselves on how they talk to their children and each other. Choose a gentle and peaceful tone when speaking and scolding your children. Do not be more hospitable to your friends, strangers, visitors, than you are to your family; it can send a wrong signal to your people, which, in the long run, can ruin their lives and the society they live in.